My Life According to The Maine

I'm doing this thing here because, well, I haven't posted in a really long time and I don't know, I just don't feel like doing this on Facebook. 

My life according to: The Maine

Are you a male or female: Right Girl
Describe yourself: Fucked Up Kids
How do you feel: Happy, Misery (Hard to choose.)
Describe where you currently live: Lovely Sad
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Birthday in Los Angeles
Your best friend is: Jenny
Your favorite form of transportation: Time
Your fear: Love & Drugs
What is the best advice you have to give: Listen To Your Heart
Thought for the day: I'm Sorry
How I would like to die: Thinking of You
My soul’s present condition: Waiting For The Sun To Shine
My motto: Take What You Can Carry

Well that was cool. I cannot wait to see The Maine perform and just... ugh okay. Feelings, man. Feelings.

Earphones

If I were an object in the lost and found station in the Student Discipline Office, I would be something that people use every day without seemingly recognizing its importance, an object people may not deem as valuable – preferably an earphone. I, personally, have never been to a lost-and-found station since my elementary years, and I am not quite sure if earphones are normally found in a storage room people only visit when they lose something (well, duh). But if I would be an object people lose, I would be something as simple as an earphone.

            No day can go by without me plugging my earphones and pressing play, blasting music loud enough to mute the noise of the metro. It’s a habitual thing I – and other people as well – do. Every time I wait for a friend along the hallway of Southgate before the clock strikes eight, every time I ride the train or jeepney home, every time I do my home works, every time I attempt to write, and even at this very moment I’m writing this very word, I have this device inserted in my ear to drown the world and to have good music blasted in my ear. There was that one dark period in my life, just last year, where my trusty ol’ Apple earphones (no earpods just yet) broke. And my broken Apple earphones broke my heart as well, and I could not function the same as before. I cannot watch a movie, I cannot listen to my playlist – this may be exaggeration, but that was one of the worst times of my life. There were awkward moments made even more awkward because I cannot pretend to be busy listening to music, or there were long periods of time in school I had nothing to do and I cannot even enjoy that time to sleep or read while listening to music or simply just ponder about life and how unfair it is with lonely music as my background. Had I only taken care of my earphones, I thought, things wouldn’t have been as worse. But then that’s exactly it, I may have regretted breaking that earphone,  but then there came a point in time it was replaced – because I could not bear the lack of an earphone any longer. And the broken earphone was just thrown away, never to be used again.

                I always refer to myself as that – something disposable. I may be always used, but then people don’t really notice my importance unless they lose me. (Or so I think. Or so I hope.) People are so used to having me around, always laughing and always making corny jokes and always trying to comfort people and always annoy them as well (in a good way), they don’t notice the fact that I’m here. I don’t speak for them; I speak for how I feel. Or maybe I speak for how I feel during my bad days, which are more often than the good ones. But nevertheless, I feel like people take me for granted, and they won’t notice my presence in their life until they lose me, or until we drift apart. “Nakakamiss ka rin pala, yang height mo at kakornihan mo!” They would probably say. But then, after some time, they will get used to not having me around, as quickly as they adapted to having  me always around, and they will find new people in their life, forgetting me, forgetting the old earphone that used to be there whenever they needed music, forgetting the old earphone that covered their being alone. I’m just that – an old earphone, probably left in a room or dropped in a hallway or lost in a crowd. They may attempt to find me, to get me back, but buying another one would save them the hassle. And there I’d be, sitting in a storage room along with other things that have been taken for granted, silently wishing, silently hoping, silently dreaming that maybe one day, somebody would go back and would appreciate who I am and what I can do.         

Blades

           I wake up every morning seeing my mother in front of the mirror putting on make-up as she gets ready for work. She puts on her blush on, dabs her lips with a stick, pencils her eyebrows. Sometimes, I fix myself with her. We both stand in front of the camera, prettying ourselves, getting ready for the long day ahead.          
        One fine Saturday morning, I woke up late. My mother was downstairs, watching the television. My father was out of the house and my mother and I were the only people in the house since I had no siblings. It was a quiet day.        
       I stood up and went straight to the mirror, following the sudden flash of idea in my head. I took a sort of green stick with blades in it. I have seen my mother do this in front of the mirror sometimes and I did as she did: I put the blades near my brows, scraping them off, trying to leave a thin line. I was so happy with my expertise in such equipment that I headed downstairs smiling from ear to ear.           
     “Ma, bagay ba?” I asked my mother proudly. The look on her face confused me. She seemed… mad.          
       “Anong ginawa mo! Bakit mo inahit ang kilay mo!” She shouted. Did it not look beautiful?
       “Tignan mo! Wala ka nang kilay!” I was crying by then and I went upstairs to look at myself in the mirror again. And she was right. I have made a mess of myself.          
        Instead of a better version of an eight-year old Patricia, I saw a round face with a large forehead with no eyebrows. I started crying. How am I going to show myself in school? What have I done?         
    I just stared at my reflection, crying, wanting to turn back time, wishing to turn to the regular old Patricia. 

Change

"Don't listen to them when they say you're just a fool, just a foo to believe you can change the world. Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference. Love is alive. Don't you listen to them when they say. You're just a fool, just a fool, to believe you can change the world."

         870 million people do not have enough to eat — more than the populations of USA and the European Union combined. 50 percent of pregnant women in developing countries lack proper maternal care, resulting in over 300,000 maternal deaths annually from childbirth. Every five seconds, a child dies from a hunger-related disease.  These are merely some of the statistics provided by The Hunger Project, and there are many more that are shocking and heartbreaking. The question here is this: what do you do to help?

            People would usually say that they do not have the capability to stop such tragic happenings around the globe. “I’m not rich.”, “I’m not a leader.”, “I’m still young.”, “I’m too old.”, people would most probably reason. At first thought, they may be right. What could an eight-year old girl do to help? How could a sixteen year old student who does not work yet extend her hand? In what way could an average person change the world? It may all seem impossible in the beginning but it is not impossible.

            I remember this one time when I was in a jeep on the way home from school. It was a hot afternoon, and I was sitting near the entrance/exit door of the vehicle (I do not know what to call it) because that is my favorite spot. I already paid my fare, and as I stared outside, a small boy in ragged clothes entered the jeep. He was dirty and he has no slippers on, and as he walked towards the driver, he gave away envelopes in which “Ate, kuya, pahingi naman ako ng konting barya pangkain lang po.” is written. I already am used to encountering children like him, and I tend to give them whatever I have in my pocket. If I have some coins, I put it inside the envelope. If I don’t, I just give the empty envelope back to them. After the little boy was done distributing, he went back to the entrance/exit door and he began singing the chorus of Gitara, and I cannot help but smile. I love the song and I loved the way he sang it. His voice was beautiful, and as I looked at the other passengers, my heart broke because they seem to not be listening to the boy. They were minding their own businesses. After the boy was done singing, he collected the envelopes. When he took the one that was with me and realized it has coins, he looked at me and said “Thank you po.” He smiled, and his smile is probably the most genuine I have ever seen. I could see the gratitude that he has through the way his lips curved and through the way his eyes lit. I could no longer remember what he looked like, but I remember feeling happy that I dropped some coins inside the envelope. He walked away of the jeep, and I saw him look back at me. I smiled at him too, a smile that is my body’s way of telling that he is welcome and that I am more than happy to have made him smile.

            There was also this time when my classmates and I had an outreach in Nayon ng Kabataan, an orphanage in Mandaluyong. That day was one of the most unforgettable events in my life. We were there to make more than thirty children happy for a day. We prepared a program – we sang, we danced, we had games, we brought food. I had an alaga for a day, a particular orphan I entertained for the whole day. Her name was Angel and she was eight years old that time, and my friends were teasing me that she probably was my long lost sister because we kind of looked alike. We were together for a day, and she told me her story: she never met either of her parents (she does not even know their name), she got adopted by an abusive father who hit him, her father was caught and she was brought back to an orphanage, and at that time somebody was planning to adopt her again. “Ate, may mag-aampon daw po sa akin. Sana totoo na. Ang saya ko, gusto ko na magkapamilya.” She told me that, and I could see how happy she was that she was getting a family. I cannot help but cry when I heard her tale, because no one deserved a life like that. Angel deserved more. And when we were about to leave, I gave her a part of me – a rosary I wear every day, a rosary I do not leave home without. I told her that I will always be with her in the form of that rosary and that she will never have to be alone again. She hugged me really tight and she told me to come back. That made me cry even more, but we had to leave. I hug her back and I silently promise her that I will be back.

            These are the incidents in my life is that I always remember whenever I hear “Change”.  I may simply be a young girl, I may not be rich and I may not be a superhero, but with the way the little boy smiled and with the way Angel hugged me back, I realized that I have the power to reach out. I have the power to make a young boy smile, to think that I only gave dropped five pesos in that envelope. I have the power to make a little girl like Angel happy for a day, to think that I was only a student, to think that all I did was feed her and listen to hear story and play around with her. I may have done simple things, but these things transcend boundaries. These things are the things I do for the world.

            “The smallest thing can make all the difference. Love is alive. Don't listen to them when they say you're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world.” These are the lines that struck me the most. Don’t ever, ever, EVER think that it is foolish to think that you can change the world because YOU CAN. All you have to have is love - be it love for change, love for little children, love for the elderly, love for the sick, love for the poor, love for the nature, love for the world – and that love will push you through.

            That is what the song is saying – even the change in your pocket can make such a difference. Give an old woman what is left of your sandwich, give the little boy the few coins you have in your pocket, donate the clothes you’ve outgrown, organize a mini-outreach program with your friends. If somebody sees what you do, they might do it too. And if everybody does one small thing, it will all add up to amazing things. All these little things have already changed the world.

            The next time somebody asks you if you can change the world, say yes. Remember Carrie Underwood’s song; remember what the song is trying to tell you. You’re not a fool to believe you can change the world. I know I’m not. I know I can change the world as long as I believe I can.

Reference:

Know Your World: Facts About Hunger and Poverty. The Hunger Project. Retrieved from            http://www.apastyle.org/learn/faqs/web-page-no-author.aspx

Long Live Us

My clock reads 9:03 this very moment, which means that All Time Low would be playing in SMX Convention Center any moment now, making thousands of fans jump and dance and scream their lungs out as they watch the ever so wild and ever so naughty Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat, Zack Merrich and Rian Dawson perform on stage. Which also means that I will not be there to witness one of the bands I love the most live AGAIN, after countless times of All Time Low visits in the city. Which also means that I am here in my room, choosing to torture myself by listening to their albums, breaking my heart despite the fact that it has been broken quite a few times now. What a good way to hurt yourself, Patricia. 

What hurts the most about not being in Bazooka Rocks II right now is the fact that A Rocket To The Moon will be playing here in Manila for the last time as a band since they disbanded just this summer. Their set will be the last of twelve bands performing for fourteen hours today, and I could just imagine how heartbreaking the aura would be. I imagine myself in the venue, among the crowd, probably somewhere at the back because I wouldn't enjoy trying to squeeze my way to the front and because I enjoy having a better view despite the distance rather than fighting for space in front, singing my heart along to their songs, and then when they play "Ever Enough", "While The World Let Go" "Baby Blue Eyes" "On Your Side" or most probably any song, I would feel the sadness and it would dawn on me that it's going to be my first and last time I'm going to see them live. If ever I see them again, Nick would be solo, and Andrew, Justin and Eric would be playing in different bands. And then that's going to be the whole aura of SMX: it dawns on everybody that it's going to be the last Rocket set we could hear and it's going to be heartbreaking. And despite the fact, we will choose to sing and dance and enjoy the last fucking hour we'd see them on stage, with tears falling from our eyes and with our heart silently being crushed. But earth to Patricia: you're not there, you're here in your room, listening to Somewhere in Neverland, blogging about Bazooka despite not being in Bazooka, and imagining yourself there even when you're not. YOU ARE NOT IN BAZOOKA, PATRICIA, AND THAT IS BREAKING YOUR HEART. It's one thing to see them perform live for the last time, and it's another thing (a more heartbreaking one) to know you won't see them together again. 

I guess the only thing keeping me from completely losing it is the fact that my concert buddy, Paola Collene Isanan Susulin, and I went to the fan party yesterday, August 24, and let it be said that it's one of the best days of my life even though it's not what I exactly wanted had things turned out differently (otherwise, I won't be here blogging about the fan party... I'd be at SMX and tomorrow I'd be blogging Bazooka). It was all planned that day: Paola and I will meet at 10 in the morning at the McDonald's branch in Buendia and we will go straight to the fan party and be there extra early. But there had been a problem and things almost got cancelled but I'm happy that we got to continue our plan and at around 2 in the afternoon, we were at MOA.

When we arrived, there was no band yet on stage. Paola and I decided to buy a cartolina and a marker so we have a banner to raise when things get wild, and when we came back, we were just in time to witness Tonight Alive on stage!!! They were the only band who had a acoustic session for the fan party and goodness gracious Jenna was really beautiful. She performed "Listening" and "Safe and Sound" and one new song from their new album I haven't listened to yet. 

Tonight alive!! Picture from Paola's phone.

After, Paola and I went to take advantage of the free photo booth:

After having our pictures taken, Paola and I went to McDonald's for a quick snack and I was finally able to satisfy my craving of Shake Shake Fries!!! YES!!! And then we lined up for the free body paint booth, and while we were in line we saw Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and We Came As Romans. 100 lucky fans were able to hug them and those who bought a copy of their album had it signed by them as well! Lucky people! (I don't have pictures of them from my phone, there are a few from my camera but my adaptor seem to be malfunctioning at the moment sooo...) Paola and I weren't able to take a picture of our body paints but I had "Wild & Free" on my right wrist and "Long Live Us" on my left while Paola had "A Rocket to the Moon" at the back of her palm (what do you call that part haha) and "All Time Low" on the whole of her lower arm. 

After having our body paints, Paola and I went outside the area and at the side of the stage and then we had ourselves squeezed while the guards were preparing a passage way for when the band comes out and goes out of the mall, they were in a line holding hands just to bounce us out but Paola and I managed to get so close to the band members of We Came As Romans although we're both not fans (hehe). 

After, we readied ourselves for the coming of A Rocket To The Moon! We already reserved a place at the side of the stage and I was in front hehe and I stood over the bakal for a better view. And then suddenly everybody was screaming and before I knew it ARTTM was in front of me and I was just SCREAMIIIING BECAUSE HUHU NICK AND ERIC AND JUSTIN AND ANDREW!!!!!! And then Paola appeared from behind and she got hold of Nick's arms and Nick shooed her away HAHA but she doesn't care she had Nick's germs hehehe! Huhu I was so overwhelmed when I saw them in front of me and then suddenly the crowd began singing Baby Blue Eyes and of course we sang along and they were just so happy to see the crowd singing. And then the meet and greet began and I was just there staring while all these lucky fans get to meet and hug and take a picture with them but it's fine because at least I get to see them! And I literally just stared at them and then ever enough played and seriously it was so heartbreaking I was singing and I was looking at them and sadness filled me. AND THIS WAS JUST THE MEET AND GREET. But seriously every time one of them looks at us and waves we are all AHHHHHHHHHH. And then after all the meet and greets, one fan proposed to Halvo hehe it was so cute and then the fan was crying and I forgot what song was in the background but I seriously couldn't hold it anymore, hehe I teared up a bit. But you guys... I SAW THEM OKAY I SAW THEM!!! 

Paola's selfie with Nick Santino

My selfie with Nick Santino!!!

After about ten minutes of rest (nakakapagod tumili guys), All Time Low arrived!!! I WAS SCREAMING BECAUSE ALEX WAS IN A BEANIE AND OH GOD I FINALLY SAW ALEX LIVE!!! AND THEN THEY WERE ON STAGE AND I HEARD ALEX'S VOICE AND AHHHHHHHHH <3  AND WE WERE ALL SINGING THERAPY AND STAY AWAKE AND THEN WHILE I WAS WATCHING THEM MAKE CRAZY POSES WITH THE FANS I WAS HAVING GOOSEBUMPS. AS IN. BY SIMPLE SEEING THEM IN FLESH AND SO WILD ON STAGE. AHHH I REALLY LOVE SEEING THEM GO CRAZY LIKE THAT AT THAT MOMENT I CAN'T HOLD MY FEELS ANYMORE I WAS SOOOO HAPPY. And then occasionally Rian would wave at us and when Alex looked at us he looked at me YES ME I SAW IT HE LOOKED AT ME AND AHH I was screaming and I must have looked really stupid standing on bars and holding my camera and screaming but what the hell. My heart is happy. 

ALL TIME LOW!!!! YEP THAT'S ALEX IN HIS BEANIE HUHU SO GWAPO <3

When their meet and greet was almost over, Paola and I went near the CR because we have been informed by the kind guard that that's where they enter and exit the mall. We went to explore the passage way and the kuya janitor there informed us that the door leads to where their van is. And so with this knowledge, Paola and I positioned ourselves near the CR and I was just positioned before the bouncer and then when they were approaching, I WAS SO CLOSE TO ALEX HUHU AS IN SUPER CLOSE!! I WAS HERE                     HE WAS HERE AND HE WAS SERIOUSLY LOOKING AT ME WHILE WAVING. AT ME. I SWEAR IT WAS ME AND HE WAS SMILING AND GDI I WAS SO CLOSE. AND THEN WHEN THEY WERE PASSING THE SECRET HALLWAY, Paola and I ran outside the mall to catch them before they entered the van and I was again closed by the bouncer huhu and I got SOOOO CLOSE TO ALEX AGAIN!!!

\   -    /

\ - my hand
- - the guard
/ - alex's hand

He was almost reaching for my hand and we were jutt so close and he was smiling and waving at me again and ahhh my fangirl heart couldn't anymore!!!!!!!!!

Huhu seriously this made me a little less sad that I wasn't able to attend Bazooka Rocks II. And just an hour ago they announced that there would be an 8123 tour!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH YES!!!!!!!!! THIS SERIOUSLY MADE ME LESS SAD BECAUSE IF THEY DO NOT CHANGE THE LINE UP, ARTTM, THE MAINE, THIS CENTURY AND BRIGHTEN WILL BE HERE AND AHHHHHHHH IT'S A DREAM LINE UP COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN I HEARD ABOUT THIS TOUR THIS SUMMER I WAS LIKE 8123 IN MANILA PLEASE AND NOW IT'S TRUE OMG I AM ALREADY SO STOKED FOR JANUARY 2013!!!!!!! AHHHH YES I AM SEEING MY BANDS TOGETHER!!! HAPPY FANGIRL RIGHT NOW <3 <3 <3 I AM NOT GOING TO MISS THIS!!!!

More pictures from yesterday:

"huhu brf huhu"

Another selfie with Nick Santino!!!

Selfie with Jenna!!! Hihi pretty gurl pretty voice :3

FOREVER CONCERT BUDDY FANGIRL BUDDY

It's already 11:35 in my clock, look how long it took me to write this blog post! Well at least something in my life is worth blogging. Right now, ARTTM is playing and it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I hope to see them again in January!!!

I leave you with a line from the song where this blog post's title is from because I really love this line and this has been stuck in my head for quite a while: "Long live the reckless and the brave, I don't think I wanna be saved, my song has not been sung." :-)

First Term's First Half!!!

I cannot believe that next week, my first term in college is at its midpoint. I've been in college for six weeks, and so far it has been nothing but fun. I've met a lot of people, made new friends, tried foods I haven't eaten before. I can barely feel time passing by. I only have four days of school, Monday to Thursday, and I don't even feel like I'm going to school at all, do you get what I mean? There are times I am stressed because of school works and all that shiz but everything just feels like breeze right now. The week is already over and I barely notice it, and I guess that's a good thing - primarily because I don't dread school as much as I did before, and because that simply means I am having fun.

I've always meant to blog about everything that's going on in my life but laziness always gets ahead of me. That sucks, you know, because I've always wanted to have an active blog but being the lazy ass that I am, that might be a little hard, though I will try my best to write and blog more because I really want to.

My six weeks in college in bullets:

• I'm no longer late!! Back in high school I used to have flag ceremonies in front of the Bordner building among with the other late comers, but right now, probably because in college every minute counts, I'm no longer late!! I always come to class either on time or minutes before the clock strikes eight!!
• I have eight subjects for this term, and by far they have been bearable. I'm enjoying NTROPSY (Introduction to Psychology) because our teacher knows just how to keep us interested (not to mention she makes me quite think about my decision on not pursuing Psychology....). LBYECON (Computer Package for Economic Majors) is a bit stressful but I'm loving the challenge because I've always enjoyed codes back in high school especially Java and Turbo C++ and I'm starting to like LaTeX. ENGLCOM (Basic Communication and Study Skills) is really fun, maybe because it's English and I'm enjoying it, and I'm loving both RVLC (reading something something I forgot hehe) and WC (Writing Component). ALGECON (College Algebra for Economic Majors) is bearable enough but since it's Math, it's quite a struggle hehe I've never been good in Math but I get by, I get by. POLISCI (Introduction to Political Science) is one interesting subject and our professor knows a lot in the field because he has worked in the field and I'm loving all the interesting things I'm learning in this subject!! SCIMATB (Introduction to Biotechnology - Lecture) is okay because I have a background on Biotech already. LBYMATB (Intro to Biotech - Lab) is fun because it's so light and we just do experiments!! FITWELL (Physical Fitness and Wellness) is fun because we just dance~~~
• FAVORITE SUBJECT? LUNCH. Ha! I look forward to 11:10-1:00 PM the most because, well, it's food! My friends and I have been going around Taft to try new places and maaaaan eating has never been this good. (Magastos nga lang hehe but still, FOOD!!!)
• I'm currently joined in four organizations - EconOrg, BMS, Tapat and Malate. I never thought I'd get accepted in Malate because I think I failed the test because  I had no schema and my mind was disarrayed at that time but I GOT ACCEPTED AND I AM SO HAPPY. I really, really, really want to make a writer out of myself. (No, not better writer. A writer because I ain't even one.)
• I've been lounging in the library a lot because (1) BOOKS (2) COMPUTERS (3) BEANBAGS (4) AIRCON. It's my favorite place!!!
• I AM WATCHING BASKETBALL NOW. It's hard to have a basketball fan as company everyday because there's no way you won't get the vibes that she has. Also, because I find one Green Archer really cute and my heart okay <3 <3 <3 

So far, so good! I'm really enjoying college right now and I hope this continues in the future. :)

Moseley at MOA

Since this week has been pretty light to us seniors because we are just having a very very very intense review for the NAT, I had a fast and boring and happy week. And yesterday was a happy day because...

• we only had classes 'til 1:40
• we just had 3 subjects for the day, yay for lazy teachers
• we went to MOA for a triple birthday celebration (weeee!!!!)

Karl, Erika and Jena freed us lunch and merienda hehe, Inasal + Mcdo. We ate and ate and rid the Vikings again and it was F U U U U U U N.

Inasal rice all you can hehe busog

obligatory class picture hehe I looooove this one

"ang kapal ng mukha ko?"

stolen shot on purpose hehe we're all so happy\

tambay tambay din sa seaside

Vikings hehe with "all or nothing" as the background song hehe I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

MOST FAVORITE PART OF THE DAY: SUNSET

Oh my God guys, I got one thing off my bucketlist. I watched the sun set. Like, literally set. I watched it go down and fade away and it's just so beautiful and awes-trucking and I love God for making mini miracles like this. It's too good for my eyes to watch and it's just too beautiful. I love it.

I guess you gotta love Fridays, right? Amazing amazing amazing hehe. :3

time is a bird, it flies

As of this very moment, this very very moment, it is already 12:30 AM of the third day of March 2013. Which means we only have 19 days left before the school year ends (if you count the weekends) and 14 school days (if you don't count the weekends). And I just cannot believe it. The fact that the school year is already ending cannot even sink in to me, even more the fact that I am graduating on the 21st of March. High school is ending in less than a month and in two months, I will officially be a college freshie (in which school, I still have no idea.)

How could time possibly fly this fast? There are too many things happening in my life and I wish there was a pause button for me so as to stop things for a while and appreciate what's happening. It's all too happening too fast. I don't like it.

Despite the fact that I am afraid to leave high school yet, I am quite excited for college. Excited AND nervous for college. Even though I am still undecided where to go, and even though my future is still very uncertain, it excites me and scares me in so many ways. I cannot even understand what I feel. I'm in a roller coaster that goes up and down and I don't know which emotion I prefer...

As my graduation day nears (this is me hoping that I can graduate), here are my thoughts:

• I don't want to leave high school yet. Not just yet. Had we been given the option to experience K+12 and stay a few more years for high school, I would have said yes. And I know most people would say yes. I did not even appreciate being in high school until I realized I have to graduate from it. I still want to roam the halls of MaSci, drown in sweat because of the hotness of MaSci, stay up late at night because of school works given by teachers of MaSci, and be with  my friends whom I met in MaSci. Not being MaSci is a thought I still cannot imagine. How could I? I don't want high school to end just yet.
• I'm afraid of leaving high school. The reason? My friends. The people whom I spend my four MaScian years with. After March, we have to go on our separate ways. We have to pursue our dreams. Just thinking about the fact that March 21 might be the last day I see some of my batchmates because they have to go abroad makes me sad. And even though most of my friends are staying in the country, I am still scared that they might not remember me anymore. That distance would be a hindrance for us to continue our friendships. That things would not be the same anymore. It's sad and it scares me.
• I don't know where to go after high school. Just like what I have said, I still do not know what school to go to. La Salle and UP are my choices. And yes, I did say that I did not pass the UPCAT but then I just learned that my grade still qualifies in the Diliman Campus and in other UP campuses as well. We'll have to go to UP to verify that fact, though. But even if I don't get in to UP, La Salle is fine with me. But the problem is that I just passed my reconsideration form for my transfer of degree program and they still have to look it up if my grade matches the requirement of the course and I'm praying to God that my grade does because I don't know what to do if it doesn't. :(
• College scares me. Yes, it excites me. But it scares me. I have a clean slate. Again. I have to start over and I don't know, the idea seems exciting but it scares me, okay? What if I don't fit in... What if they won't like me... SO MANY WHAT IFS.

I don't know what to say anymore. It's just that time flies so fucking fast and I don't want it to. Not just yet. Hay....

ALL. THE. FEELS.

My heart hurts. Literally. There’s that physical ache in my chest, like there’s a hand grasping my heart and crushing it. Making me hurt. It just hurts and it’s 12:23 in the morning and I am trying to make sense of my feelings and my thoughts and everything right now but I know I can never do this justice so even though I suck at reviewing things or writing reflections for things I have to put my shit together and write this because I don’t know what else I can do if I do not. I just have to. Okay? Okay.

I just finished The Fault in Our Stars and oh my god, it is so fucking heartbreaking. It’s just so beautiful and so raw and so simple yet so perfect I do not even know how to describe it. And I cannot. You have to read the book and see for yourself. I am not even going to try to make something decent for this text post because at this very moment, I cannot. Everything is still fresh, my eyes are still puffy and my handkerchief is still wet with both tears and colds.

The Fault in Our Stars is a story about two teenagers diagnosed with cancer. They met in a support group and their life has changed since. Augustus Waters was a very very very very hot seventeen year old teenager who has osco-something (I cannot remember okay). One of his leg is not really his leg – it’s just a metal leg connected to him so as to enable him to walk. Hazel Grace Lancaster has holes in her lungs that make her lungs suck at being lungs. Augustus Waters was declared NEC in the beginning. Hazel had her life in a time frame, already knowing that her end is near. But their circumstances seem to have changed. Although equally broken with a disease none of them could repair, they fell in love. They fell in love so deeply, not even death could change it. Not. Even. Death.

I love Augustus Waters. He is so brave and so kind and so selfless that he wished not for himself but for Hazel. He did everything for Hazel….

OH MY GOD I CANNOT WRITE LIKE THAT ANYMORE I AM SORRY.

I JUST HAVE TO DO IT LIKE THIS BECAUSE I CANNOT ANYMORE SEEM TO PUT TO WORDS WHAT I FEEL AND ALL THE THOUGHTS I HAD WHILE I WAS READING SEEM TO HAVE FLOATED AWAY AND NOW ALL I HAVE ARE THESE FEELINGS THAT I COULD NOT MAKE SENSE OF BECAUSE OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU MAKE SENSE OF FEELINGS LIKE THESE.

IT’S JUST SO HEARTBREAKING. I HAD TO STOP EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE SO AS TO PUT MYSELF TOGETHER BECAUSE JOHN GREEN LEFT SCARRED ME. IT JUST HURTS BECAUSE IT’S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE I LOVE HOW CHARMING AND HOT AND BRAVE AUGUSTUS IS HE WASTED HIS WISH FOR HAZEL HE COULD HAVE WISHED FOR OTHER THINGS BUT HE DID IT FOR HAZEL AND EVEN IN HIS DEATHBED HE THOUGHT OF HAZEL HE WROTE TO PETER TO WRITE HAZEL A EULOGY AND HE SAID HE WOULD NOT FUCKING MIND IF HIS HEART WOULD BE  BROKEN BY HAZEL BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HIS PRIVILEGE AND TO HIM HAZEL WAS A GIFT AND HAZEL WAS DIFFERENT AND HE LIKED HIS DECISION OF LOVING HAZEL AND HE ASKED HAZEL TO WRITE HIS EULOGY AND HE HAD A PREFUNERAL TO HEAR ISAAC’S AND HAZEL’S EULOGIES AND HE EVEN MANAGED TO JOKE ABOUT HIS OWN EULOGIES AND HAZEL SAID IN HER EULOGY THAT SHE WAS HAPPY BECAUSE SOME INFINITES ARE BIGGER THAN OTHERS BUT SHE WAS GLAD WITH THE LITTLE INFINITY SHE HAD WITH AUGUSTUS BECAUSE THOSE DAYS WERE THE BEST OF HER LIFE AND I JUST  ADMIRE HOW STRONG THEY BOTH ARE AND I JUST KEPT ON THINKING OH MY GOD IT MUST BE SO HEARTBREAKING TO HAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE DIE AND I CANNOT EVEN THINK OF HOW I MIGHT FEEL IF THAT HAPPENS TO ME. THE FACT THAT I CAN NEVER HEAR HIS/HER VOICE AGAIN AND I CANNOT TALK TO HIM ANYMORE AND HE IS GONE AND HE IS GONE AND YOU WISH HE ISN’T BUT HE IS AND THIS WORLD IS NOT A WISH GRANTING FACTORY AND YOU CANNOT GET ALL YOU WISH FOR BUT WITHOUT PAIN WE CANNOT KNOW TRUE JOY AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY I SUCK BALLS BUT IT’S JUST TOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL. HAY.

ANG GANDA GANDA GANDA GANDA. I CANNOT FATHOM MY THOUGHTS INTO CONSTELLATIONS SO ETO LANG TALAGA AS OF NOW HAYYYYYYYY BUT I’LL TRY TO DO SOMETHING MORE DECENT BUT I DOUBT THAT.

BUT ALL I HAVE IS THIS:

IT’S. JUST. SO. BEAUTIFUL.

(IT’S 12:45 AND MY HEART STILL HURTS. HAY.)

P.S. I owe it to John Green and to myself to make a better review or reaction or whatever. I wrote this exactly after I read the book, which explains the capitalization and everything because feelings. Rereading the book again, just the day after I finished reading it for the first time, because feelings. And yes, I will make a better blog post I know this sucks balls but yeah, this is all I could make out of what I felt yesterday. John Green, I love you. 

Little Things

After the countless times I've ridden a jeepney, I have discovered that there are different kinds of jeepney drivers. Sometimes, they tend to be really noisy and chat with their passengers even if they do not want to talk. Sometimes, they are really deaf and have to say "saan? ilan?" for so many times it irks the people paying. Some drivers drive as though they are in the movie Cars and they have to speed up to win first place. 

But one time this week, I had ridden a jeepney whose driver was not like the others. I heard him say, "Pasensya na po ha, pakiabot nalang, makikisuyo nalang, salamat. Pagpalain kayo ng Diyos." and it really touched me because it is a typical scenario in a jeep where people pass their payments. It's something really small but I smiled. I have already forgotten what he looked like but what he did would be remembered.

You see, the little things always matter. :)

Common Denominator

No, this blog post is not about Math. Patricia Pineda posting about Math voluntarily will only happen in either of these conditions:

• she has perfected a difficult Mathematics exam (probability: 0.0000000001%)
• she has flunked a Mathematics subject

Anyway, Common Denominator is a film production by IV-Moseley Batch 2013. It is in compliance with our Humanities project - to make a short film thirty to forty-five minutes long.

In the beginning, I have to admit, I was really depressed and disappointed with Moseley for not caring about this project. This has been given to us last December. We had a month to prepare. But we didn't. I was more than willing to do anything to just have this film produced. But no conference or meeting was ever made to discuss the story plot. Hence, we failed to pass the project on time. And even more sadly, we failed to be a part of the Manila Science history - our batch is the first batch to have such an amazing project like this. Anyway, I'm not gonna dig deep into how stressful producing this movie was to me (because laziness and lack of initiative and willingness and such). I'm really just glad to have this film FINALLY made. 

Writing the script, shooting the scenes, directing the characters and editing the film gave me so much inspiration that I suddenly want to do short films of my own. And I will. I promise that.

Also, I would like to thank Sir Tapar for everything he has done for us. I have always wanted  to have a teacher as concerned as he, a teacher just like Morrie (yes, from Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie) Sir Tapar reminds me of Katherine from Mona Lisa Smile. He started so many things and began new histories for MaSci. Sir is a really good teacher. He never fails to cheer us up. CineMascian was a success, and none of these would have been possible had it not been for this one teacher who plans on changing so many lives. And you know what? I think he already has. :)

College Woes

I will achieve great things. That is one thing I keep on telling myself whenever I fail. You may be small, but you are meant for great things, Pat. You are. Wait and see. I reassure myself every once in a while to remind myself that I am born in this world for a reason and just because I don't win doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm not. I cannot be. Sometimes people trip over rocks, get themselves bruises, but get up after because that's life - you get down and you stand up.

I woke up from a five-hour nap to a message from one of my classmates saying that his parents are disappointed because he did not pass UP. I went like shit, the results are already out? And so I immediately opened my laptop and voila, UPCAT results are indeed already out. (Apparently it was out at around 6 PM. I found out at about 8 PM how late could I get.)

I called Carol immediately. And then when she answered, her voice was shaky. She was really sad and she broke the news to me - Pat, I did not see your name. I was actually laughing when I heard that. Literally. It felt okay to me, like, fine I did not pass UP so fucking what. But then when I got to saw all the Pinedas and none of them was a Patricia, it broke my heart. I felt like I was a disappointment and every time I see someone post "I passed UP", I can't help but be jealous and feel bitter. Am I that stupid not to pass?

But eventually I realized, maybe I am not meant for UP after all. I just had this recent "calling" of some sort that I want to take Applied Economics. I never knew I would enjoy Economics, I have never even thought of taking a Business course except now. But then I like it. And even if I pass UP I no longer like the course I had put there. I will have to take a reconsideration exam in La Salle and UST. Maybe, after all, either of the two is where I am meant to be. Although I like La Salle better. But I still have to think about it.

I am still sad and it frustrates me whenever I think about it but I'll be fine. And to all those who did not pass, we'll all be fine. After all, it is still up to a person whether or not he or she will be successful. Success is not defined in the university you're going to - it's all in one's patience and determination and attitude.

Hats off to the amazing UPCAT passers, but if you're like me whose UP dreams had shattered, God has better plans for us. We just have to wait and see. We are meant for greater things.

A Kaleidoscope of Colors

(Since I owe it to this blog to at least post something about my blog, here it goes. I was supposed to blog about my December but I haven't even reached half of what I'm gonna post and it is still a draft but I'm already too lazy to. Besides, blogging about my Christmas would be so out of the context now.)

Nia so taallll

Best Moseley buds evahhh (Phoebo Carol and Jaybelle with her epic epicness)

Partehh partehh

That's my whole outfit with Karm (no solo whole body pose huhu) - Blue one shoulder high low dress from Landmark Makati and gold heels from Mendrez :3

CJKMPP hehehe blue + red!!! Coolest friends 5evah!!!

moi

January 25 was surely a magical night where people got to show their true beauties. It was a kaleidoscope of colors, a rollercoaster emotion ride, and a night to remember. Happy 50th, Masci!!!

With Knees Bent and Fingers Crossed

It's thirty minutes past eleven post meridian here in the Philippines already as I am typing this very first sentence of this very first paragraph in this blog post. It is already the seventeenth of December and thirty minutes later, it would already be the eighteenth which means that Christmas is just seven days away, the Christmas party is just two days away and drum roll.... the Carol 'Fest finals is just a day away. 

There are six sections competing for three spots in the finals in the second category - Moseley, Townes, Faraday, Lawrence, Berzelius and Burbank. The first four sections are senor sections, the last two junior sections and the last four are star sections. All six sections are exerting effort in trying to polish their own performances. Of course, no finalist would want to look ridiculous in front of a large crowd on Wednesday because that would just be plain humiliating. Besides, since this is our last year, and to some this is their first time to be a Carol fest finalist, Moseley has been exerting much effort in trying practicing for the Carol Fest.

We are to perform two Christmas songs - A Christmas Carol (all sung by the category b finalists) and a choice piece (ours is Carol of the Bells, Pentatonix Style :D) A Christmas Carol is a little okay already but we have been having some trouble in polishing Carol of the Bells. I really do hope that we'd be able to iron everything out tomorrow because God, I want to win.

Which brings me to my title - with knees bent and fingers crossed, we hope to win the carol fest. I am not a singer myself but I'd do anything and everything I can just so we win. I really really really want to and Moseley has been practicing and exerting so much effort and after everything I can say we do deserve it and please Lord, please give us the strength and ability to fix everything tomorrow. We leave it all up to you.

I pray so hard that we win. I really,really, really want to win. I hope Moseley bags even just the third place. If we don't, then that is by God's will. Que sera, sera. But we won't stop hoping for the best!!!!!

You and Me

What day is it? And in what month?This clock never seemed so aliveI can't keep up and I can't back downI've been losing so much time
Cause it's you and me and all of the peopleWith nothing to do, nothing to loseAnd it's you and me and all of the peopleAnd I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
All of the things that I want to sayJust aren't coming out rightI'm tripping on words, you got my head spinningI don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the peopleWith nothing to do, nothing to proveAnd it's you and me and all of the peopleAnd I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
Something about you nowI can't quite figure outEverything she does is beautifulEverything she does is right
Cause it's you and me and all of the peopleWith nothing to do, nothing to loseAnd it's you and me and all of the peopleAnd I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of
You and me and all of the peopleWith nothing to do and nothing to proveAnd it's you and me and all of the peopleAnd I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
What day is it? And in what month?This clock never seemed so alive

This song  just never gets old. It's so beautiful and my feels just ahhhhhh. Should probably add another tag in this blog labeled music because I just might often post videos of the music that I love. <3