My heart feels heavy. Literally. It's as though it is free falling from the edge of space, carrying with it a trunkload of regrets and misery and frustration and anger I just could not force myself to let go of. No one could probably understand what I feel. People might think I am overreacting. Some might even think I am grade conscious. I'm not. Or even if I am, I am not that kind of student who tends to study all day. I'm lazy, I do not pass requirements if I don't feel like doing so, I don't study for exams because I can. I regret all these, though. I just don't stop doing them. (Because bagong buhay never really works for me.)
But this is probably what brought me here to this unknown feeling of sunkenness and melancholy, the fact that I have put this weight upon myself. If. If. If. Too many what if. Too many could have beens.
I have always been an achiever. I just love the feeling of receiving something you've worked so hard for, you know? And even though I know that the achiever in me had swum deep inside of me, barely heard and almost inaudible, it's still there. Even if I am already pasaway , that voice is still there, waiting to be recognized. That is probably the reason why I still want to give myself some consolation, something to hold on to, something to be proud of. Getting a high score on a subject you really like - or something you really hate (erm, AG) - is pretty much a good self-esteem booster. It ain't even something I'd like to brag to my family nor to my friends. It's more like a proof to myself that I am good, that I am capable of doing something good, and that if I try harder, I might just get something better.
So yeah, I failed AG. I am one point away. Just one point. (But I am going to have to find something to gain myself one point. I am going to fight!!!!!) I failed Physics. (Kinda fine with it though, already had it coming. Besides, I got that score on my own. Pretending he's beside me.  I'm fine with it.) But I will do better. I will. I always go spaghetti-ing during the second quarter. And right now, at this very moment, I am promising myself that I'd try and do better. I won't be as lazy as I was (but lazy nonetheless, just not the worst case scenario). I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to prove to myself that I am something. I am good. I have to, or else my esteem would roll in the deep with Adele and might never return again.