My Life According to The Maine

I'm doing this thing here because, well, I haven't posted in a really long time and I don't know, I just don't feel like doing this on Facebook. 

My life according to: The Maine

Are you a male or female: Right Girl
Describe yourself: Fucked Up Kids
How do you feel: Happy, Misery (Hard to choose.)
Describe where you currently live: Lovely Sad
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Birthday in Los Angeles
Your best friend is: Jenny
Your favorite form of transportation: Time
Your fear: Love & Drugs
What is the best advice you have to give: Listen To Your Heart
Thought for the day: I'm Sorry
How I would like to die: Thinking of You
My soul’s present condition: Waiting For The Sun To Shine
My motto: Take What You Can Carry

Well that was cool. I cannot wait to see The Maine perform and just... ugh okay. Feelings, man. Feelings.

Earphones

If I were an object in the lost and found station in the Student Discipline Office, I would be something that people use every day without seemingly recognizing its importance, an object people may not deem as valuable – preferably an earphone. I, personally, have never been to a lost-and-found station since my elementary years, and I am not quite sure if earphones are normally found in a storage room people only visit when they lose something (well, duh). But if I would be an object people lose, I would be something as simple as an earphone.

            No day can go by without me plugging my earphones and pressing play, blasting music loud enough to mute the noise of the metro. It’s a habitual thing I – and other people as well – do. Every time I wait for a friend along the hallway of Southgate before the clock strikes eight, every time I ride the train or jeepney home, every time I do my home works, every time I attempt to write, and even at this very moment I’m writing this very word, I have this device inserted in my ear to drown the world and to have good music blasted in my ear. There was that one dark period in my life, just last year, where my trusty ol’ Apple earphones (no earpods just yet) broke. And my broken Apple earphones broke my heart as well, and I could not function the same as before. I cannot watch a movie, I cannot listen to my playlist – this may be exaggeration, but that was one of the worst times of my life. There were awkward moments made even more awkward because I cannot pretend to be busy listening to music, or there were long periods of time in school I had nothing to do and I cannot even enjoy that time to sleep or read while listening to music or simply just ponder about life and how unfair it is with lonely music as my background. Had I only taken care of my earphones, I thought, things wouldn’t have been as worse. But then that’s exactly it, I may have regretted breaking that earphone,  but then there came a point in time it was replaced – because I could not bear the lack of an earphone any longer. And the broken earphone was just thrown away, never to be used again.

                I always refer to myself as that – something disposable. I may be always used, but then people don’t really notice my importance unless they lose me. (Or so I think. Or so I hope.) People are so used to having me around, always laughing and always making corny jokes and always trying to comfort people and always annoy them as well (in a good way), they don’t notice the fact that I’m here. I don’t speak for them; I speak for how I feel. Or maybe I speak for how I feel during my bad days, which are more often than the good ones. But nevertheless, I feel like people take me for granted, and they won’t notice my presence in their life until they lose me, or until we drift apart. “Nakakamiss ka rin pala, yang height mo at kakornihan mo!” They would probably say. But then, after some time, they will get used to not having me around, as quickly as they adapted to having  me always around, and they will find new people in their life, forgetting me, forgetting the old earphone that used to be there whenever they needed music, forgetting the old earphone that covered their being alone. I’m just that – an old earphone, probably left in a room or dropped in a hallway or lost in a crowd. They may attempt to find me, to get me back, but buying another one would save them the hassle. And there I’d be, sitting in a storage room along with other things that have been taken for granted, silently wishing, silently hoping, silently dreaming that maybe one day, somebody would go back and would appreciate who I am and what I can do.         

Blades

           I wake up every morning seeing my mother in front of the mirror putting on make-up as she gets ready for work. She puts on her blush on, dabs her lips with a stick, pencils her eyebrows. Sometimes, I fix myself with her. We both stand in front of the camera, prettying ourselves, getting ready for the long day ahead.          
        One fine Saturday morning, I woke up late. My mother was downstairs, watching the television. My father was out of the house and my mother and I were the only people in the house since I had no siblings. It was a quiet day.        
       I stood up and went straight to the mirror, following the sudden flash of idea in my head. I took a sort of green stick with blades in it. I have seen my mother do this in front of the mirror sometimes and I did as she did: I put the blades near my brows, scraping them off, trying to leave a thin line. I was so happy with my expertise in such equipment that I headed downstairs smiling from ear to ear.           
     “Ma, bagay ba?” I asked my mother proudly. The look on her face confused me. She seemed… mad.          
       “Anong ginawa mo! Bakit mo inahit ang kilay mo!” She shouted. Did it not look beautiful?
       “Tignan mo! Wala ka nang kilay!” I was crying by then and I went upstairs to look at myself in the mirror again. And she was right. I have made a mess of myself.          
        Instead of a better version of an eight-year old Patricia, I saw a round face with a large forehead with no eyebrows. I started crying. How am I going to show myself in school? What have I done?         
    I just stared at my reflection, crying, wanting to turn back time, wishing to turn to the regular old Patricia. 

Change

"Don't listen to them when they say you're just a fool, just a foo to believe you can change the world. Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference. Love is alive. Don't you listen to them when they say. You're just a fool, just a fool, to believe you can change the world."

         870 million people do not have enough to eat — more than the populations of USA and the European Union combined. 50 percent of pregnant women in developing countries lack proper maternal care, resulting in over 300,000 maternal deaths annually from childbirth. Every five seconds, a child dies from a hunger-related disease.  These are merely some of the statistics provided by The Hunger Project, and there are many more that are shocking and heartbreaking. The question here is this: what do you do to help?

            People would usually say that they do not have the capability to stop such tragic happenings around the globe. “I’m not rich.”, “I’m not a leader.”, “I’m still young.”, “I’m too old.”, people would most probably reason. At first thought, they may be right. What could an eight-year old girl do to help? How could a sixteen year old student who does not work yet extend her hand? In what way could an average person change the world? It may all seem impossible in the beginning but it is not impossible.

            I remember this one time when I was in a jeep on the way home from school. It was a hot afternoon, and I was sitting near the entrance/exit door of the vehicle (I do not know what to call it) because that is my favorite spot. I already paid my fare, and as I stared outside, a small boy in ragged clothes entered the jeep. He was dirty and he has no slippers on, and as he walked towards the driver, he gave away envelopes in which “Ate, kuya, pahingi naman ako ng konting barya pangkain lang po.” is written. I already am used to encountering children like him, and I tend to give them whatever I have in my pocket. If I have some coins, I put it inside the envelope. If I don’t, I just give the empty envelope back to them. After the little boy was done distributing, he went back to the entrance/exit door and he began singing the chorus of Gitara, and I cannot help but smile. I love the song and I loved the way he sang it. His voice was beautiful, and as I looked at the other passengers, my heart broke because they seem to not be listening to the boy. They were minding their own businesses. After the boy was done singing, he collected the envelopes. When he took the one that was with me and realized it has coins, he looked at me and said “Thank you po.” He smiled, and his smile is probably the most genuine I have ever seen. I could see the gratitude that he has through the way his lips curved and through the way his eyes lit. I could no longer remember what he looked like, but I remember feeling happy that I dropped some coins inside the envelope. He walked away of the jeep, and I saw him look back at me. I smiled at him too, a smile that is my body’s way of telling that he is welcome and that I am more than happy to have made him smile.

            There was also this time when my classmates and I had an outreach in Nayon ng Kabataan, an orphanage in Mandaluyong. That day was one of the most unforgettable events in my life. We were there to make more than thirty children happy for a day. We prepared a program – we sang, we danced, we had games, we brought food. I had an alaga for a day, a particular orphan I entertained for the whole day. Her name was Angel and she was eight years old that time, and my friends were teasing me that she probably was my long lost sister because we kind of looked alike. We were together for a day, and she told me her story: she never met either of her parents (she does not even know their name), she got adopted by an abusive father who hit him, her father was caught and she was brought back to an orphanage, and at that time somebody was planning to adopt her again. “Ate, may mag-aampon daw po sa akin. Sana totoo na. Ang saya ko, gusto ko na magkapamilya.” She told me that, and I could see how happy she was that she was getting a family. I cannot help but cry when I heard her tale, because no one deserved a life like that. Angel deserved more. And when we were about to leave, I gave her a part of me – a rosary I wear every day, a rosary I do not leave home without. I told her that I will always be with her in the form of that rosary and that she will never have to be alone again. She hugged me really tight and she told me to come back. That made me cry even more, but we had to leave. I hug her back and I silently promise her that I will be back.

            These are the incidents in my life is that I always remember whenever I hear “Change”.  I may simply be a young girl, I may not be rich and I may not be a superhero, but with the way the little boy smiled and with the way Angel hugged me back, I realized that I have the power to reach out. I have the power to make a young boy smile, to think that I only gave dropped five pesos in that envelope. I have the power to make a little girl like Angel happy for a day, to think that I was only a student, to think that all I did was feed her and listen to hear story and play around with her. I may have done simple things, but these things transcend boundaries. These things are the things I do for the world.

            “The smallest thing can make all the difference. Love is alive. Don't listen to them when they say you're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world.” These are the lines that struck me the most. Don’t ever, ever, EVER think that it is foolish to think that you can change the world because YOU CAN. All you have to have is love - be it love for change, love for little children, love for the elderly, love for the sick, love for the poor, love for the nature, love for the world – and that love will push you through.

            That is what the song is saying – even the change in your pocket can make such a difference. Give an old woman what is left of your sandwich, give the little boy the few coins you have in your pocket, donate the clothes you’ve outgrown, organize a mini-outreach program with your friends. If somebody sees what you do, they might do it too. And if everybody does one small thing, it will all add up to amazing things. All these little things have already changed the world.

            The next time somebody asks you if you can change the world, say yes. Remember Carrie Underwood’s song; remember what the song is trying to tell you. You’re not a fool to believe you can change the world. I know I’m not. I know I can change the world as long as I believe I can.

Reference:

Know Your World: Facts About Hunger and Poverty. The Hunger Project. Retrieved from            http://www.apastyle.org/learn/faqs/web-page-no-author.aspx

I've always known the fact that I was flawed. I have never been the confident kind as I have nothing to be confident about. I am not physically attractive, and even more I have nothing to make myself believe that I am actually worth something. 

But I have never been the retreating kind. I always remind myself that trying is always, always what matters. I have always believed that the means justify the end and not the other way around, because it doesn't matter whether you triumphed or not as long as you put your heart to it and and as long as you didn't give up until you've nothing left. 

That's what I have been reminding myself whenever I feel the need to turn my back and simply walk away. That's what I have been telling myself when I am in the brink of breaking down. That's what I have been holding on for so long, that maybe if I tried hard enough it wouldn't be so bad at all.

But why do I feel like this? Why do I suddenly feel like giving up? Why do I suddenly ask myself if any of these matter when I know I'm going to fail in the end anyway? 

Long Live Us

My clock reads 9:03 this very moment, which means that All Time Low would be playing in SMX Convention Center any moment now, making thousands of fans jump and dance and scream their lungs out as they watch the ever so wild and ever so naughty Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat, Zack Merrich and Rian Dawson perform on stage. Which also means that I will not be there to witness one of the bands I love the most live AGAIN, after countless times of All Time Low visits in the city. Which also means that I am here in my room, choosing to torture myself by listening to their albums, breaking my heart despite the fact that it has been broken quite a few times now. What a good way to hurt yourself, Patricia. 

What hurts the most about not being in Bazooka Rocks II right now is the fact that A Rocket To The Moon will be playing here in Manila for the last time as a band since they disbanded just this summer. Their set will be the last of twelve bands performing for fourteen hours today, and I could just imagine how heartbreaking the aura would be. I imagine myself in the venue, among the crowd, probably somewhere at the back because I wouldn't enjoy trying to squeeze my way to the front and because I enjoy having a better view despite the distance rather than fighting for space in front, singing my heart along to their songs, and then when they play "Ever Enough", "While The World Let Go" "Baby Blue Eyes" "On Your Side" or most probably any song, I would feel the sadness and it would dawn on me that it's going to be my first and last time I'm going to see them live. If ever I see them again, Nick would be solo, and Andrew, Justin and Eric would be playing in different bands. And then that's going to be the whole aura of SMX: it dawns on everybody that it's going to be the last Rocket set we could hear and it's going to be heartbreaking. And despite the fact, we will choose to sing and dance and enjoy the last fucking hour we'd see them on stage, with tears falling from our eyes and with our heart silently being crushed. But earth to Patricia: you're not there, you're here in your room, listening to Somewhere in Neverland, blogging about Bazooka despite not being in Bazooka, and imagining yourself there even when you're not. YOU ARE NOT IN BAZOOKA, PATRICIA, AND THAT IS BREAKING YOUR HEART. It's one thing to see them perform live for the last time, and it's another thing (a more heartbreaking one) to know you won't see them together again. 

I guess the only thing keeping me from completely losing it is the fact that my concert buddy, Paola Collene Isanan Susulin, and I went to the fan party yesterday, August 24, and let it be said that it's one of the best days of my life even though it's not what I exactly wanted had things turned out differently (otherwise, I won't be here blogging about the fan party... I'd be at SMX and tomorrow I'd be blogging Bazooka). It was all planned that day: Paola and I will meet at 10 in the morning at the McDonald's branch in Buendia and we will go straight to the fan party and be there extra early. But there had been a problem and things almost got cancelled but I'm happy that we got to continue our plan and at around 2 in the afternoon, we were at MOA.

When we arrived, there was no band yet on stage. Paola and I decided to buy a cartolina and a marker so we have a banner to raise when things get wild, and when we came back, we were just in time to witness Tonight Alive on stage!!! They were the only band who had a acoustic session for the fan party and goodness gracious Jenna was really beautiful. She performed "Listening" and "Safe and Sound" and one new song from their new album I haven't listened to yet. 

Tonight alive!! Picture from Paola's phone.

After, Paola and I went to take advantage of the free photo booth:

After having our pictures taken, Paola and I went to McDonald's for a quick snack and I was finally able to satisfy my craving of Shake Shake Fries!!! YES!!! And then we lined up for the free body paint booth, and while we were in line we saw Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and We Came As Romans. 100 lucky fans were able to hug them and those who bought a copy of their album had it signed by them as well! Lucky people! (I don't have pictures of them from my phone, there are a few from my camera but my adaptor seem to be malfunctioning at the moment sooo...) Paola and I weren't able to take a picture of our body paints but I had "Wild & Free" on my right wrist and "Long Live Us" on my left while Paola had "A Rocket to the Moon" at the back of her palm (what do you call that part haha) and "All Time Low" on the whole of her lower arm. 

After having our body paints, Paola and I went outside the area and at the side of the stage and then we had ourselves squeezed while the guards were preparing a passage way for when the band comes out and goes out of the mall, they were in a line holding hands just to bounce us out but Paola and I managed to get so close to the band members of We Came As Romans although we're both not fans (hehe). 

After, we readied ourselves for the coming of A Rocket To The Moon! We already reserved a place at the side of the stage and I was in front hehe and I stood over the bakal for a better view. And then suddenly everybody was screaming and before I knew it ARTTM was in front of me and I was just SCREAMIIIING BECAUSE HUHU NICK AND ERIC AND JUSTIN AND ANDREW!!!!!! And then Paola appeared from behind and she got hold of Nick's arms and Nick shooed her away HAHA but she doesn't care she had Nick's germs hehehe! Huhu I was so overwhelmed when I saw them in front of me and then suddenly the crowd began singing Baby Blue Eyes and of course we sang along and they were just so happy to see the crowd singing. And then the meet and greet began and I was just there staring while all these lucky fans get to meet and hug and take a picture with them but it's fine because at least I get to see them! And I literally just stared at them and then ever enough played and seriously it was so heartbreaking I was singing and I was looking at them and sadness filled me. AND THIS WAS JUST THE MEET AND GREET. But seriously every time one of them looks at us and waves we are all AHHHHHHHHHH. And then after all the meet and greets, one fan proposed to Halvo hehe it was so cute and then the fan was crying and I forgot what song was in the background but I seriously couldn't hold it anymore, hehe I teared up a bit. But you guys... I SAW THEM OKAY I SAW THEM!!! 

Paola's selfie with Nick Santino

My selfie with Nick Santino!!!

After about ten minutes of rest (nakakapagod tumili guys), All Time Low arrived!!! I WAS SCREAMING BECAUSE ALEX WAS IN A BEANIE AND OH GOD I FINALLY SAW ALEX LIVE!!! AND THEN THEY WERE ON STAGE AND I HEARD ALEX'S VOICE AND AHHHHHHHHH <3  AND WE WERE ALL SINGING THERAPY AND STAY AWAKE AND THEN WHILE I WAS WATCHING THEM MAKE CRAZY POSES WITH THE FANS I WAS HAVING GOOSEBUMPS. AS IN. BY SIMPLE SEEING THEM IN FLESH AND SO WILD ON STAGE. AHHH I REALLY LOVE SEEING THEM GO CRAZY LIKE THAT AT THAT MOMENT I CAN'T HOLD MY FEELS ANYMORE I WAS SOOOO HAPPY. And then occasionally Rian would wave at us and when Alex looked at us he looked at me YES ME I SAW IT HE LOOKED AT ME AND AHH I was screaming and I must have looked really stupid standing on bars and holding my camera and screaming but what the hell. My heart is happy. 

ALL TIME LOW!!!! YEP THAT'S ALEX IN HIS BEANIE HUHU SO GWAPO <3

When their meet and greet was almost over, Paola and I went near the CR because we have been informed by the kind guard that that's where they enter and exit the mall. We went to explore the passage way and the kuya janitor there informed us that the door leads to where their van is. And so with this knowledge, Paola and I positioned ourselves near the CR and I was just positioned before the bouncer and then when they were approaching, I WAS SO CLOSE TO ALEX HUHU AS IN SUPER CLOSE!! I WAS HERE                     HE WAS HERE AND HE WAS SERIOUSLY LOOKING AT ME WHILE WAVING. AT ME. I SWEAR IT WAS ME AND HE WAS SMILING AND GDI I WAS SO CLOSE. AND THEN WHEN THEY WERE PASSING THE SECRET HALLWAY, Paola and I ran outside the mall to catch them before they entered the van and I was again closed by the bouncer huhu and I got SOOOO CLOSE TO ALEX AGAIN!!!

\   -    /

\ - my hand
- - the guard
/ - alex's hand

He was almost reaching for my hand and we were jutt so close and he was smiling and waving at me again and ahhh my fangirl heart couldn't anymore!!!!!!!!!

Huhu seriously this made me a little less sad that I wasn't able to attend Bazooka Rocks II. And just an hour ago they announced that there would be an 8123 tour!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH YES!!!!!!!!! THIS SERIOUSLY MADE ME LESS SAD BECAUSE IF THEY DO NOT CHANGE THE LINE UP, ARTTM, THE MAINE, THIS CENTURY AND BRIGHTEN WILL BE HERE AND AHHHHHHHH IT'S A DREAM LINE UP COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN I HEARD ABOUT THIS TOUR THIS SUMMER I WAS LIKE 8123 IN MANILA PLEASE AND NOW IT'S TRUE OMG I AM ALREADY SO STOKED FOR JANUARY 2013!!!!!!! AHHHH YES I AM SEEING MY BANDS TOGETHER!!! HAPPY FANGIRL RIGHT NOW <3 <3 <3 I AM NOT GOING TO MISS THIS!!!!

More pictures from yesterday:

"huhu brf huhu"

Another selfie with Nick Santino!!!

Selfie with Jenna!!! Hihi pretty gurl pretty voice :3

FOREVER CONCERT BUDDY FANGIRL BUDDY

It's already 11:35 in my clock, look how long it took me to write this blog post! Well at least something in my life is worth blogging. Right now, ARTTM is playing and it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I hope to see them again in January!!!

I leave you with a line from the song where this blog post's title is from because I really love this line and this has been stuck in my head for quite a while: "Long live the reckless and the brave, I don't think I wanna be saved, my song has not been sung." :-)

Tender

"Turn over everything. Time can heal us again."

(inspired by Tender by Feeder)

"NO. WE ARE NOT WATCHING ANYTHING NICHOLAS SPARKS. AGAIN." John shouted as he took the popcorn out of the oven. 
"But it's my turn to pick the movie!!! Don't be unfair! Whenever you're in charge, we always end up watching anything Marvel." I replied, my eyebrows meeting at the center of my forehead. "Besides, it's raining hard and won't it be good for our souls to watch some rom-com tonight?"
"NICHOLAS SPARKS IS NOT ROM-COM--"
"I'M SICK OF WATCHING MARVEL SUPERHEROES--"
"NO SANE MIND WOULD GET SICK OF MARVEL SUPERHEROES--"
"I'M NOT SANE!!"
"YES, YOU'RE NOT!!!"

Our nights always start like this: we always end up fighting what movie to watch and whether to order pizza or to cook on or own. We always end up shouting loud, our raised voices bouncing in the walls of his apartment, sometimes so loud that his neighbor Miss Jamie ends up knocking on his door to ask whether we're alright.  We always tend to argue about the smallest of things to the point where we people look at us like we are crazy. But I don't complain. Neither does he.

"Okay, fine. I succumb. Go choose your Nicholas Sparks, Carrie." He says, sitting beside me on his spot in my ever favorite leather sofa. He rests his feet above the table and puts the popcorn between us, then he gently puts his arm around me, cuddling me.
I look at him and I still feel so awestruck by how lucky I am. There was one point in my life where I thought it's over between him and I, that I would lose him for a mistake I never planned on making. It was such a dark period in my life, that one year of losing him. All because of five shots of tequila and one drunk kiss with his best friend. I ALMOST LOST EVERYTHING.

"How could you do that, Carrie? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?" John says, his fists clenched.
"I never meant to--"
 "But you did. That's the thing, Carrie. Drunk or not, meant or not. YOU DID. You did." John's eyes were full of tears but he blinked them away. 
"I'm so sorry..."
"He already took Lea from me once. And now, you...." He said, slowly walking away from me.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered as he walked away, not looking back, not even once.

"Do you think it's possible Nicholas is behind all these?" I asked him as I bored my eyes to his.
"What do you mean?"
"That maybe he's writing our story, you and I. I never thought you'd come back to me, John. This still feels like a dream." I held his hand and I put my head on his shoulder.
"I know. This all feels like a dream. But I'm glad I'm having this with you." He smiled at me, the kind that makes you want to melt and disappear from earth. Good lord, when will I stop having these feelings every time I see him smile?
I clicked the remote and right here in this moment, with the rain falling hard outside and with me curled up in his arms, I have never felt more blessed.

Listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptSLrnEiaeg

P.S. This snippet is inspired by the song Tender by Feeder. I shuffled my iTunes library and this was the song that came up, and I will be doing more things like this, tagged under "music" and "story story story". :)