Sometimes I wish I could pen my life. Not that I don't, but... I wish I could make things happen exactly as I want them to happen. I wish I could erase memories that cannot help but haunt me; I wish I could forget thoughts that cannot help but worm their way through me; I wish I could shoo away feelings that cannot help but hurt me. My heart is full of wishes, wishes that nobody could give me. I wish I could rewrite my life all over, use the backspace as much as I want to, erase all the ugly details until I perfect my ending. I WISH I WISH I WISH BUT I FUCKING CANNOT.
         My heart feels heavy right now, and I really hate it when this happens. Suddenly, all I seem to remember are the bad memories, all I seem to think of are the bad thoughts. Suddenly, my heart is twisted into pretzels that even doctor quack quack could not untangle. Everything hurt. 
         I'm crying right now, for the most random of reason, for the most ineffable feeling. I am crying and I do not know why and my thoughts aren't coherent and my heart just hurts and I just want it to stop but I cannot make it stop not even tears could let go of the pain that I'm feeling. I don't know where this is from. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THIS IS FUCKING FROM. WILL THIS FEELING JUST STOP HAUNTING ME AND TEARING ME TO BITS IT JUST HURTS OKAY JUST. FUCKING. GO. AWAY.
        I can't breathe. I cannot breathe. I wish I could write my story a happy ending. But God knows I can't. I write my middle. I write my ending. BUT WHO KNOWS IF IT WILL EVER BE A HAPPY ONE. I WISH IT WILL BE. I WISH. I WISH. I WISH.
        This is one of the many reasons why I want to be a writer, because in some alternate world, I am in control. And in the world where I "rule"... nobody has to get hurt. Because I know I will always wish - and everybody will always wish - that the endings we get are the endings we want for ourselves.