Man, it's been a long day, stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway. Wondering if I really tried everything I could, not knowing if I should try a little harder.

"Goodbye," he said, his eyes was as black as obsidian. They indicate no pain. His expression was so blank, so nonchalant, it hurt me. He no longer cared. I am no longer his. I opened my mouth to say something, and to shut me up he whispered "and good riddance."

Good riddance.

This was what he wanted - me out of his life. Maybe for him, this is for the best. But for me, it's not.

Oh, but I'm scared to death, that there may not be another one like this .And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread.

"Don't leave me, Gabriel. Don't leave me like all of the people I ever loved has. Don't leave me hanging, believing that what we had would last. You told me you loved me, and now you're going away? We still have hope, you and I. Hold on to it. Don't let go." 

I wanted to shout those words out, tell him I love him, and kiss him.

But I didn't.

Instead, I watched him walk away, back turned against me. The look on his face tells me that this might be the last I see of him.

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard, the words that you needed so bad. And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you, the place that you needed to have. I'm so sad.

I looked outside my window and snapped that memory away. It's killing me to pieces.

What if I had told him I loved him?

What if I had told him I couldn't live without him?

Would things have changed?

Man, it's been a long night, just sitting here, trying not to look back .Still looking at the road we never drove on and wondering if the one I chose was the right one.

I remember the night that had ruined my life. It was an amazing Sunday and I had just gotten home from a date with Gab. Things were perfect.

But then there was Chace.

Chace was my first love. And my first heartbreak. I never thought I'd see him again. He looked different. Older, tanner, taller. But he was still gorgeous, his blonde hair ruffled, his green eyes glowing. He was crying. He told me about his parents and their divorce and the girl he was about to marry and the child they were supposed to have.

"Everything is a mess, Hazel. My life... my life used to be easier. I hurt. Everything hurt." He was crying, holding my hand, pressing it lightly to release the pain. He looked at me. I don't love him any longer, but the pain in his eyes made me want to throw my arms around him, kiss him and tell him everything will be okay. 

And I did.

I kissed him slowly. He kissed me back, his lips soft and tender. Something stirred inside me, guilt and regret probably. But at that moment, I didn't care.

And Gabriel arrived.

"Fuck you, Haze." he shouted, his eyes full of tears. 

Oh, but I'm scared to death, that there may not be another one like this .And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread.

I wiped my tears away. I looked at the moon shining over Manila. It looked beautiful.

What if I had not kissed Chace?

What if I had run after Gab and had apologized?

Would I have him by my side at this moment?

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad. And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you the place that you needed to have. I'm so sad, so sad.

I sat on my bed and hugged my pillow. My heart hurt. Literally. This was one of the many sleepless nights I had since Gabriel and I parted. Not one day had passed by that I didn't cry. It has been more than a month, but the pain... it's still fresh. Everywhere I look, Gab seems to be present. Everything I see reminds me of him. Of us.

There are so many times I wanted to go back. There are so many times I wanted to redo my past. There are so many times I wish I had back. Regrets, what ifs, could have beens. I live with them everyday. And they are killing me. Slowly.

"I wish you die, Hazel. I wish you do." Gab told me. Maybe I am better off dead, as I am no longer living. I was merely existing, dragging through days, waiting for a miracle to happen.

I'm just... sad.

"Stay with me," I whispered.

He looked at me, his green eyes beautiful under the moonlit night. He traced the sides of my face, his fingers smooth and warm, and let his skin brush past mine. He tucked my hair behind my ears then slowly kissed my forehead. I blushed.

"Stay with me," I repeated. "Stay with me, Julian. Please."

I know I already looked desperate. I already am desperate. I have begged him more than a thousand times to stay. I messaged him, called him, even posted on his Facebook wall. I'm sure if he did want to stay, he already would reply and tell me he would. There's that fear in my heart that he wouldn't, that he'd refuse, that I'd lose him, just like I've lost every person I have ever loved. But I want to know I tried, I want to know that I fighted for us. It's all that I can do. 

"Lena.", he said softly, almost like a whisper. "Lena, I love you."

It hurt me the way those three words lingered in his lips. There's some sort of finality, signs telling me that this night might be the last time I'd ever hear him utter those words again. It scared me.

"Lena, I'm really really sorry. I love you - my God, I love you more than you will ever know - but this just cannot be. It's not me you love Lena, it's Alex. You and I both know that."

I was taken aback with what he said. My heart is still torn between two equally beautiful men. I love them both, I never knew a heart could love two people at a time. But I know I have got to make a decision. At some point in time, I'm going to have to, or else I'll end up breaking three hearts at once. Alex told me once: "Take your time in deciding, Lena. Whether or not it's going to be me,  I will be here." 

"It's him you love, Lena. Him, not me." he croaked. I could feel the pain in his voice.
"But I love you too! I love you, Julian, I love you too. Don't go. Stay with me." I wanted to shout that out loud, I wanted him to hear me. I wanted him to believe me. But I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do.

So instead, I say "I love you too, Julian. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

I cried. I tried to suppress my tears but I just could not. It's breaking me. It's tearing me apart, knowing I have to make a decision that in one way or another has to hurt somebody I love. But I just cannot. I cannot choose, I cannot be happy knowing I have hurt either of them. I let tears my tears stream, I hug Julian. I hug him tightly. This might be the last I'll ever see him.

I looked at him, I looked at his beautiful green eyes. It pains me to see how hurt he is. I kiss him, I kiss him slowly, I kiss him because I love him, I kiss him because this is all I could do to take his pain away. I kiss him until I got tired.

"Goodbye.", we both said. I turned around and walked and not once looked back.