ALL. THE. FEELS.

My heart hurts. Literally. There’s that physical ache in my chest, like there’s a hand grasping my heart and crushing it. Making me hurt. It just hurts and it’s 12:23 in the morning and I am trying to make sense of my feelings and my thoughts and everything right now but I know I can never do this justice so even though I suck at reviewing things or writing reflections for things I have to put my shit together and write this because I don’t know what else I can do if I do not. I just have to. Okay? Okay.

I just finished The Fault in Our Stars and oh my god, it is so fucking heartbreaking. It’s just so beautiful and so raw and so simple yet so perfect I do not even know how to describe it. And I cannot. You have to read the book and see for yourself. I am not even going to try to make something decent for this text post because at this very moment, I cannot. Everything is still fresh, my eyes are still puffy and my handkerchief is still wet with both tears and colds.

The Fault in Our Stars is a story about two teenagers diagnosed with cancer. They met in a support group and their life has changed since. Augustus Waters was a very very very very hot seventeen year old teenager who has osco-something (I cannot remember okay). One of his leg is not really his leg – it’s just a metal leg connected to him so as to enable him to walk. Hazel Grace Lancaster has holes in her lungs that make her lungs suck at being lungs. Augustus Waters was declared NEC in the beginning. Hazel had her life in a time frame, already knowing that her end is near. But their circumstances seem to have changed. Although equally broken with a disease none of them could repair, they fell in love. They fell in love so deeply, not even death could change it. Not. Even. Death.

I love Augustus Waters. He is so brave and so kind and so selfless that he wished not for himself but for Hazel. He did everything for Hazel….

OH MY GOD I CANNOT WRITE LIKE THAT ANYMORE I AM SORRY.

I JUST HAVE TO DO IT LIKE THIS BECAUSE I CANNOT ANYMORE SEEM TO PUT TO WORDS WHAT I FEEL AND ALL THE THOUGHTS I HAD WHILE I WAS READING SEEM TO HAVE FLOATED AWAY AND NOW ALL I HAVE ARE THESE FEELINGS THAT I COULD NOT MAKE SENSE OF BECAUSE OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU MAKE SENSE OF FEELINGS LIKE THESE.

IT’S JUST SO HEARTBREAKING. I HAD TO STOP EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE SO AS TO PUT MYSELF TOGETHER BECAUSE JOHN GREEN LEFT SCARRED ME. IT JUST HURTS BECAUSE IT’S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE I LOVE HOW CHARMING AND HOT AND BRAVE AUGUSTUS IS HE WASTED HIS WISH FOR HAZEL HE COULD HAVE WISHED FOR OTHER THINGS BUT HE DID IT FOR HAZEL AND EVEN IN HIS DEATHBED HE THOUGHT OF HAZEL HE WROTE TO PETER TO WRITE HAZEL A EULOGY AND HE SAID HE WOULD NOT FUCKING MIND IF HIS HEART WOULD BE  BROKEN BY HAZEL BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HIS PRIVILEGE AND TO HIM HAZEL WAS A GIFT AND HAZEL WAS DIFFERENT AND HE LIKED HIS DECISION OF LOVING HAZEL AND HE ASKED HAZEL TO WRITE HIS EULOGY AND HE HAD A PREFUNERAL TO HEAR ISAAC’S AND HAZEL’S EULOGIES AND HE EVEN MANAGED TO JOKE ABOUT HIS OWN EULOGIES AND HAZEL SAID IN HER EULOGY THAT SHE WAS HAPPY BECAUSE SOME INFINITES ARE BIGGER THAN OTHERS BUT SHE WAS GLAD WITH THE LITTLE INFINITY SHE HAD WITH AUGUSTUS BECAUSE THOSE DAYS WERE THE BEST OF HER LIFE AND I JUST  ADMIRE HOW STRONG THEY BOTH ARE AND I JUST KEPT ON THINKING OH MY GOD IT MUST BE SO HEARTBREAKING TO HAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE DIE AND I CANNOT EVEN THINK OF HOW I MIGHT FEEL IF THAT HAPPENS TO ME. THE FACT THAT I CAN NEVER HEAR HIS/HER VOICE AGAIN AND I CANNOT TALK TO HIM ANYMORE AND HE IS GONE AND HE IS GONE AND YOU WISH HE ISN’T BUT HE IS AND THIS WORLD IS NOT A WISH GRANTING FACTORY AND YOU CANNOT GET ALL YOU WISH FOR BUT WITHOUT PAIN WE CANNOT KNOW TRUE JOY AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY I SUCK BALLS BUT IT’S JUST TOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL. HAY.

ANG GANDA GANDA GANDA GANDA. I CANNOT FATHOM MY THOUGHTS INTO CONSTELLATIONS SO ETO LANG TALAGA AS OF NOW HAYYYYYYYY BUT I’LL TRY TO DO SOMETHING MORE DECENT BUT I DOUBT THAT.

BUT ALL I HAVE IS THIS:

IT’S. JUST. SO. BEAUTIFUL.

(IT’S 12:45 AND MY HEART STILL HURTS. HAY.)

P.S. I owe it to John Green and to myself to make a better review or reaction or whatever. I wrote this exactly after I read the book, which explains the capitalization and everything because feelings. Rereading the book again, just the day after I finished reading it for the first time, because feelings. And yes, I will make a better blog post I know this sucks balls but yeah, this is all I could make out of what I felt yesterday. John Green, I love you.